The Circle Game

The Circle Game

8th Century Xiao Yan Ta.  Used to store
translations of Buddhist scriptires

“The seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down.

We’re captured on a carousel of time.

We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came

And go round and round and round in the circle game.”

I spent quite a lot of time everyday observing my progress and my thoughts about my progress.  It’s as if my mind is a vehicle inside the body and there is a committee, of sorts, which makes decisions.  Conscious awareness fluctuates between sensations experienced by the vehicle and involvement in the rather complex and random deliberations of the committee.  Sometimes I watch a decision coming up with some interest to see how the committee reaches it’s conclusion.  I don’t believe there is a consistent executive branch so it’s hard to say who actually authorized the decision.  It becomes clear once action is taken.  

Distributed leadership is a better description of the process.

Here are a few examples.  Yesterday I went to the Shaanxi Museum.  Went by bus, waited in a long line-up, got in free thanks to my special card and wandered among wonders from ancient dynasties.  I like how Tang dynasty artists can project their humanity, even their sense of humour, over the intervening centuries.  The painted ponies toss their heads in tri-coloured glazes. This region nurtured human settlements for the last 6,000 years at a minimum.  We go round and round the seasons like the words of the song, going up and down as empires rise and fall.

Tang Dynasty Silk Road; Tri-coloured glaze

I returned to my neighbourhood in a taxi, went to the movie house on impulse and saw the poster of the movie about Xuan Zang – the famous Tang dynasty monk.  As luck would have it, the show started in five minutes!  I only had time to walk in and sit down before it began.  The movie itself was disappointing, but I enjoyed so much the synchronicity of the timing which I could not have arranged better even if I had carefully planned the whole day.  The monk himself would have been at pains to point out how this world has about it a dreamlike quality – images and sensations swirl around, ever-changing – only the dreamer is real.

This is not a ‘selfish’ view.  The reality of the dreamer encompasses all living beings.  We are all the same dreamer.  It is our nature to get caught in our imaginings like the dog which excitedly chases it’s tail.  “We can’t return, we can only look….”  If we look from the proper angle, with the right understanding, without attachment…………..the game is wondrous and bright with joy.

Kaleidoscope

My days are filled with trivia.  It takes 6 minutes to walk to the bus; 9 minutes to take the bus to the subway; 25 minutes to take the Subway to another station and a further 10 minutes to walk to the school.  50 minutes in total.  Along the way I encounter a LOT of people – different people every day.

As a small child I was fascinated by the changing colours and shapes of a Kaleidoscope.  It seemed improbable that such beautiful variations could emerge from an odd collection of coloured plastic chips.  Roaming around Xi’an is a similar experience in that certain themes are repeated in endless variety.  The only constant is myself.  So, of course, I am reminded of the teaching of Xi’an’s famous wandering monk – Xuan Zang.  He came back from India with knowledge great enough that he was embraced as the brother of the Emperor of (at the time) the world’s greatest city.  They set about building a special tower to house his precious artifacts – a tower which still stands after about 13 centuries.  Xuan Zang’s most celebrated writing was entitled ‘Consciousness Only’.  He taught that only consciousness is real. Think about that.

The only undeniable, consistent fact of my existence is the ‘I’ that is aware of existing.  Nothing in my immediate environment can be absolutely proved to exist objectively.  The evidence is always tainted.  I could be dreaming.  I could be having delusions.  Many of the vibrations in the air such as microwaves, radio and extreme wave-lengths of colour are invisible to me.  The smallest particles of matter are found to be composed of space, mostly, and something unknown which vibrates and changes constantly.  Oh right, and there are neutrinos (which are undetectable) and lots of dark matter (about which we know nothing). The only fact about particles which I understand is that nothing is as it appears to be.

Our existence seems to be a kind of working hypothesis which we live as if its real.  Because the mind does not like uncertainty, we solidify the sense impressions we can use and minimize those we cannot.  We use the scientific method of repetitive observing, testing and hypothesizing, because the method works.  It works so well we forget that it was always a hypothesis, not an objective reality.

I can dimly intuit a sense of being which is unaffected by sense impressions; however I cannot stay within that being.  Any of the powerful emotions can draw me out immediately: physical pain, hunger, anger at the crowded elevators, crowds and heat on the buses, beautiful women, pride of achievement.  I effect, the more I learn to live more consistently ‘in the moment’ the more powerful the emotions become.

That’s just  the beginners course.  I meditate on the breath every day because its an exercise which emphasizes being as opposed to doing.  The mind continues with DOING, but sometimes I can just let go and let the doing just happen.  Other people become brighter, because they are travellers on the same road facing the same conditions.  I had an image today of a light which shines through everyone and all living beings.  It is all the same light, but is purely subjective and doesn’t objectify itself; so it takes on different forms of identification as it emerges.  It’s all one consciousness (Xuan Zang’s ‘Consciousness Only’), but its nature is to consider itself as one unique vessel or another.

Alice, of Alice in Wonderland, was having an awful dream until she looked at the characters and said, “But you’re all just a pack of cards.”  All those people I encounter every day are heavily invested in their own personal stories, just as I am. We’re all just a pack of cards. We don’t recognize each other.  The sense of separation and the need to…… the need to….all sorts of things;  we keep ourselves apart.  Maybe when we wake from the dream we will agree with Xuan Zang that only Consciousness is real and then our personal world will dissolve into nothing but love.

The Monkey King

 The Monkey King occupies an interesting place in Chinese culture.  He has fantastic powers and successfully challenged the King of Heaven.  Every Chinese child knows him from numerous cartoons.  He is also always a key performer in any celebrations of the Chinese Near Year.
His Chinese name is Sun Wukong.  He became famous because of a Chinese classic written about a thousand years ago called The Journey to the West. In this story, the Monkey King is released from captivity (where he has been for five centuries) in order to help the famous monk Xuan Zang on his quest to bring Buddhist scriptures from India to China.  On the right is the Wild Goose Pagoda.  This tower was originally built on the return of Xuan Zang, victorious after his 17 year journey along the Silk Road, through Afghanistan to India and back, to house his precious Buddhist writings.  He was welcomed as a brother by the Emperor.  Then, with the help of some other monks he spent the next 12 years translating his documents into Chinese.  The tower has been repaired numerous times, but its basically over 13 centuries old.

 With all this notoriety of the journey of Xuan Zang you would think there would be some knowledge in Xi'an regarding the content of the writings.  What was the gist of the knowledge that he strove so hard to obtain?
He wrote a treatise with a title including the words "Consciousness Only".  His main idea is that the whole world is really a representation of the mind.  In India this is not a strange idea, but in modern China I'm sure the vast majority of Chinese and visitors to the Pagoda have no idea of the knowledge of Xuan Zang.  I felt sad that he is remembered so enthusiastically, but that the main point of all his efforts is not communicated in the place which was built for that purpose.

The above camel is an actual relic from the Tang dynasty (the time of Xuan Zang). The one on the right has a proud place in a shopping area called "Da Tang Xi Shi" which means the Great Tang West Market Place.  Ironic that the camel that carried Xuan Zang has survived better than the treasures it carried.  Must be one of the jokes of the Monkey King who evidently carried out his mission very well.

Every day is a rebirth

All you need is love

Last night I was invited to an English Corner - this is a kind of 'Chinglish' for a place where Chinese people can gather in order to practice their English with one or more native speakers.  In this case it was a coffee shop and I found it packed with 30 - 40 enthusiastic young people with various levels of English competence.
One of the English speakers was a tall friendly guy called Jed.  Jed is from Jordan.  His English is good, although with a fairly pronounced accent.  He teaches English to little kids and has been in Xi'an for a few years.
Another English speaker was Best David, so named because when he arrived here there were many Davids so he took an extra adjective.  Best David is from South Carolina.  He's always impeccably dressed and has a beautiful, strong speaking voice.  He has also been in Xi'an for years and apparently speaks Chinese.
The topic of the evening was 'Love or Friendship'.  We were to divide into groups and have a discussion to decide which was more important.  In my group there was a variety of opinions and we eventually selected one girl t give our report.  She did a great job of explaining using two skewers - one with pear on the end and one with orange.  The pear represented friendship, so if you eat pairs everyday you might start to want something stronger - the orange.  On the other hand, if you eat oranges every day you might start to think, "What about the pair?  What happened to my friends?"  Anyway that went very well.  Then it was time for the feature presentations: Best David, and then me.
Best David always speaks very forcefully.  He likes to keep the audience on their toes.  He challenges them and gives them something to think about.  After feedback for the Chinese people practicing English and some talk about love and friendship, Best David moved on to his favorite theme - he talked about how you create your own reality, how you should follow your dreams and not be deterred by the possible negativity of others.  It was stirring stuff,  Unfortunately he shifted into comments about paying attention to the speaker and not using your mobile phone during a speech.  He singled out someone at the back who had been talking to his neighbour.  The man at the back happened to be Joe, a bright young man who had given me a ride to the event.  Here's how I remember the exchange.
Joe - I don't agree with what you're saying.  This is China.  You can't just do whatever you want to do.
Best David - It doesn't matter, you don't have to limit yourself.  You can be whoever you want to be.
J- You don't understand Chinese culture.
BD- You were talking on your mobile phone.
J- You should realize this is a public coffee house and not everyone is here for the English Corner.
BD- But you yourself came here for this event.
J- Stop trying to tell us what to do.
My memory is blurry as to the details, but they were both talking at once and neither one would back down.  Best David asserted his right as the speaker to not be interrupted while Joe asserted his right to disagree with what was being said.  It felt very uncomfortable.  People around Joe got up and tried to quiet him down.  Eventually they got him out the door.  Best David said a few more things, but then the organizer said, "Simon, would you like to say a few words to us?"
Actually I was keen to take over, because seriously someone needed to change the channel.  I gave BD a hug, because at the start of his speech he had hugged the organizer and said that men can hug each other.  I complimented them all on their progress with English.  They're on the right track because language is a tool for communication not just a subject in school.  They were delighted to hear my family name is Truelove, since that fitted so well with the theme of the evening.  I talked about the Beatles; All You Need Is Love and Let it Be.  They were all so young and I have the credibility of many years of experience.  I told them that it's good to think about your ideas regarding love, but when it really hits you...all those ideas can go out the window.  You meet someone and you feel completely changed - you love that person and you find that she loves you too - its the most powerful and wonderful feeling you can have.  This clearly hit the right note with them and I'm hoping it helped them to get over the event that just happened five minutes before.  My message for them was that love will take you to great heights, but it can also bring you down again and make you the most miserable.  It's worth the journey because we have to enjoy every part of life and live every day to the fullest with all of our most passionate attention.  (Well, I said something like that)  I decided I was finished and sat down.  They clapped a lot.
This event had so many interlocking elements.  Joe and Best David were both right, and they were both wrong.  If language is about communication they did a great job of speaking, but they did a terrible job of listening.  Public speaking in China is a potential powder keg, because cultural sensitivity is required precisely at the point when you're not thinking about it.  As Western people we might feel our way of thinking is the best, but we swim in the unseen waters of centuries of colonialism.  The Chinese world has not always prospered through adopting western ideas.  Chinese young people appear to us as individuals, but they are part of something greater than themselves  in a way that western thinking does not appreciate.  Joe had something important to add to the conversation that Best David was not willing to hear.  My personal feeling about discussions in China about...hmm...just about everything, is that it is vital to listen and withhold judgement.  They had listened to Best David's ideas for quite a long time, so I felt that some push back was appropriate.
Two guys who run a school came up to me afterwards wanting me to speak at an event.  Really nice people and their English was flawless.
My life here continues to produce unexpected experiences.  On this occasion I felt very good because I actually made a valuable contribution, not by any particular brilliance, just by being in the right place at the right time.

'State of the Nation' report

There are no photos right now for this report because I find it a tiny bit awkward mixing my teaching with snapping photos of people.
At present I'm on a roll - teaching every day since the start of the month.  So my current life is all about people.  Most of the teaching is in small groups, one to three students at a time and never more than three classes in a day.  It seems as if its not much, but there is often an hour of travel out and back.  I ride the subway and the buses or sometimes i take a taxi.  It feels as if I'm helping my students.  Maybe I help them a lot.  One reason for this is that I have so much experience to help me understand their needs.  The second reason is that helping students is my prime motivation (as opposed to building a career, making money or wanting them to like me).  The third reason is that there isn't anyone else around who can do what I do.  Other foreigners are mostly not teachers, or they have little training or experience, or they are just way too busy.  Anyway there are not many and there are none who are my age.
What does all this amount to?  I have to face the fact that I'm rather popular.  It's a strange feeling because I really like it and feel secretly a little guilty about liking it.  One of my goals was to live my life in such a way as to be less selfish and do things that are useful to others.  Now that my plan is succeeding so well there is a new challenge.  If I like it that people do actuallylike me then I am in danger of slipping back into a selfish existence.  I get personal benefit.  Not a problem, or is it?
Many of the people I teach are attractive young women.  Many of them are single.  Today my 15 year old student interrupted the lesson by looking at me and saying, "You have such beautiful blue eyes."  Seriously!  I now she is mostly just amusing herself by distracting from the lesson, but the point is I'm very vulnerable to this kind of approach, not from 15 year olds but adults are another matter.  Some of the 30 year olds do a more sophisticated version of the same thing and I totally fall for it.  Try talking to someone 1-1 about their speech for half an hour.  You are looking at the other person.  The other person looks very nice and is very friendly.  As you are looking at them you're not thinking about yourself so you tend to forget details about yourself (like for example that you are 65)  The other person is looking at you so she is not confused in the same way.  The problem is compounded by the fact that Chinese people do not box each other according to age groups the way western people do.  Of course I frequently find myself entertaining inappropriate thoughts.  Will this lead to trouble?  There are two people inside me saying two different things:
1)  Go ahead and have a relationship with a beautiful girl.  No matter she is younger than my kids.  She's an adult and is quite capable of making her own choices and taking responsibility for them.
2)  You're way too old for this.  There are a number of reasons to keep my relationships on a surface level.  They (the women) are interested in Marriage and babies (mostly).  Probably I couldn't keep up physically with a 30 year old  anyway.  Chinese culture is very different and I never really know what is going on.  Relationships with women have created a lot of trouble for me, so why should this not follow the pattern.  I'll just end up getting hurt.
So all of that is obviously unresolved.  One good thing is I have uncovered one of my deep patterns - I long to jump into the romance. It works best if the person I want is somewhat mysterious and not available.  I get fixated and seek validation.  Its a deep seated well of insecurity to constantly seek approval from someone who is not giving it.  In such a situation my behaviour becomes increasingly irrational and needy.  I remember doing this when I was 18 - projecting this romantic drama of unrequited love onto someone who has no way to deal with it.  I can rationalize the process, but its still immensely powerful.  I have done it many times in the past, and the results have never been good.  On the positive side, I have also had some wonderful real relationships.  However, the pattern I described above is always waiting to strike and it tends to imbue the real relationships with the sense that something is missing.
Unfinished business.  I guess I'm not ready to be a monk.  A major principle to keep in mind is like the Hippocratic oath, "Do no harm."

Learn by doing; teach by example

Xi'an Toastmasters Friday meeting

Its time to write about Toastmasters.  High time!  I devote most of my spare time to this group of 100 or so Chinese members of the Xi'an branch of an organization that started 90 years ago in the USA and now spans the globe.  TM now has over 300,000 members in clubs in 135 countries!
The local clubs work well for me for 2 main reasons:
1)  I get to meet, and make friends with,  many local people who have a strong interest in developing themselves and in improving their English.  Even though I'm much older than them (they average 20s to early 30s in age) I can add a lot to their efforts as a teacher and a native English speaker.
2)  TM gives me the chance to make speeches on topics I find interesting and to get immediate feedback on what I have said.  Even though I have been familiar with speaking in public for my entire life I find there is still much to learn.
So far in Xi'an I have delivered 4 four speeches: Why I came to China, Kayaking in the ocean, My Chinese love affair in Thailand and Stories from Greek mythology.
    At this point in the relationship I find myself much more deeply committed to helping these clubs to develop.Toastmasters is very competitive.  They evaluate each speech during the same meeting.  Although the evaluations are very encouraging, they also usually have suggestions for improvement.  I need to plan the organization of my speeches so that my main idea comes across very clearly.  In addition to this challenge

Fraser and HahaLynne

The Golden Apple - 'For Amy'

I need to keep it slow and tailor my vocabulary to my audience.  The time limit is usually seven minutes.  In addition the prepared speeches there are also opportunities for impromptu speaking.  You get a surprise topic and need to deliver an effective two minute speech with no preparation time.  Then the members vote on which they liked the best.  Since I have a huge advantage I usually win these competitions.  So I try to take my name out of the competition and just give my speech as an example.  Its a lot of fun!

    In the future there will be a conference in Xi'an where clubs will come from all over China.  I'm hoping to be part of that.  It all fits into my wider aspiration of increasing communication between the Western world and the Chinese world on the ground level.

Simply gorgeous